Apparently, I Have A Faux Husband. Terrific.

Wake up: I fell out of the bed. Haven't done that since I was seven. In all fairness, my foot was wrapped up in the sheet. Thinking it would just slip free, I crawled out, kind-of flew forward, and...THUD.

This little mishap set up the rest of my day. Sadly, I was blissfully unaware of that fact.

Lunch: Picked up a few things for mom at the grocery store. Traditional family Thanksgiving grocery trip forthcoming. Said grocery excursion is almost always reminiscent of the Griswolds.

Delivering items to mom was eventful. Walked in and mom started talking about an episode of House Hunters from last night.

Me: "Ooh, what was the situation?"

Yes, I do like House Hunters...and Property Virgins--don't say it.

Mom: "She's a grandmother looking to move closer to her daughters and granddaughters. After the grandmother picked her house, she talked about how lucky she is to be near her daughters and have so many grandchildren...with another one of the way--one of her daughters was noticeably pregnant."

Mom, under her breath: "Ugh, witch."

Oh. My. God. There goes the flashing single sign over my head, sirens blazing.

Me: "Um, what did you say?"

Mom: "Huh? Oh, nuthin' darlin'. Nuthin."

Me: "Mom, you called her a witch. It's because she has grandchildren, isn't it?"

Mom, looking like she just got caught with her hand in the cookie jar: "Well, yes, in part. I just know I would rock as a grandma."

Me: "You would. I would love nothing more than to see you as a hip granny."

Mom: "I would love nothing more than to see you as a beautiful, sweet, adoring, wonderful mama."

Okay, trying to keep from crying. Won't cry. Won't cry. My clock isn't ticking yet, so the tears are solely for the fact that my mama thinks I would make a wonderful mommy. 

Mom: "The most important thing is for you to be happy. Never jump into anything just because...it has to be right in your heart and your instincts have to be there. You are always perfect to me, married, unmarried, whatever."

Me: "I love you, mom."

Mom: "I love you too, my baby girl."

I love these moments.

Mom: "Um, there is one little thing..."

Oh, Lord.

Me: "Mom, what have you done?"

Mom: "I meant everything I said but...there is a possibility that...I...may have...inadvertently...well...I have a son-in-law."

Me: "What?"

Mom: "You're married."

Me: "Huh?"

Mom: "Well, I was nervous. There were these big guys, so I told them my son-in-law was here and would help me."

Me: "When have you ever been nervous? And what big guys?"

Mom: "That's neither here nor there, my lovely, just know I accidentally said you have a husband."

Me: "I have a faux husband. That's just terrific. That's the only thing you could think of?"

Mom: "I can't control what my mouth does...it was the first thing that flew out."

Me: "Yeah, doesn't that worry you just a little? The first thing that enters your mind is to craft a faux husband for your daughter? I mean, why couldn't you have said Dad was with you?"

Mom: "Huh. That would have made more sense."

Great. My mom's subconscious is now acting out. 

Night: Watching the Longhorns (basketball) and NASCAR Camping World Truck race on SPEED...with my faux husband. Well, hell, why not? He's as invisible as air, right?

Reckon I'll watch Ghost Adventures later, mourn the end of NASCAR's season this weekend--hope Dale can end the season on a high note. I've got my Dallas Mavericks starting soon. Mainly, I will sit here this Friday night--date night--alone with my chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream.

Oh, wait, I have my faux-friggin' husband to keep me company. Yippee.