Five Ways To Ruin A Date

1.  The Spit Up: Your date takes a bite of a delicious-looking pork dish, makes a retching sound, then proceeds to cough it up on the table.  Wishing to gag at the half-chewed piece of pork sitting lifeless on the table, you stare at your date...Dear God...he has his hand in the air, waving at the waiter. Are we in school?

"I have a tricky palette," he says, as if spitting his food on the table is perfectly acceptable.  

2.  Finger Snaps: I hate when people disrespect waiters and waitresses. It's just rude. Snapping fingers is a no-no. To start snapping your fingers to get your date's attention? Bad. Very bad.

Snap! Snap! "Your food isn't going anywhere. Are you hearing me? I like to know your paying attention."

Yeah, because a woman is incapable of doing two things at once. Rude.

3.  Drink Robber: It's quite a shock when your date reaches over, grabs your drink, and starts guzzling it. 

"That sauce was way too hot, and I don't like water."

4.  Bad Tipper: Kind-of goes with the snapping thing...tipping your waiter a quarter is unacceptable.  Your waiter had to deal with chewed up pork, a waving hand, snapping, serious complaining, and you want to leave him a quarter?

"Poor attitude, poor tip," he says, plopping it down.

Let's just say you would never leave your table without making sure your waiter is well-tipped. No exceptions. Tip rectified on the sly.  

5.  "Between My Teeth": Time for the goodnight kiss...and you're not really into it. He smiles, and has a massive bit of something green in between his two front teeth.

"Um, you have something between your teeth," you say gently. After everything, you feel the need to point it out.

"Yeah, you," he says arrogantly.

"Beg your pardon?"  Uh, what?

"I've got you between my teeth."

"Oh-uh, um, well that's sweet...and kinda creepy...a little cannibalistic, but..."

"No, no," he laughs, "you don't get it, isn't that cute!" Tapping your date's head as if it's empty is also a big no-no.  "I'm referring to that song...I've got you between my teeth."

"I'm pretty sure it's 'I've got you under my skin.'"  

The inability to carry a tune isn't a date-killer...getting the lyrics wrong to an absolute classic is surprising, but still not a date-killer.  Sarcastically tapping your date's head and pinching your date's cheeks, while singing the wrong lyrics in the wrong key with a giant green thing in between your teeth, after spitting up your food, snapping at your waiter and your date, and expecting your waiter to clean up your chewy-spit-up-meat, yet not leave a proper tip, is kind-of a date killer.

Result: No kiss, no second date.